New Feelings about Botox & Filler
New Feelings about Botox & Filler
anxiously searching for topical alternatives
Three years ago, I started experimenting with fillers and botox. The experiment didn’t last long because, obviously, these treatments are incredibly expensive—I got cheek and chin filler once, and botox in my forehead once. I always meant to go back for more, but quickly realized I would never be able to afford to keep up with it. And, while botox is generally less expensive than filler (around $200-$400 per treatment as opposed to $600 - $1200 for filler), I realized that what upsets me most about my face (nasolabial folds/smile lines) is better treated with filler, which I definitely can’t afford so have tried to stop thinking about.
I can’t stop thinking about it, though! In retrospect, the cheek and chin filler wasn’t worth it to me. Most people didn’t notice the difference, and it ultimately didn’t solve the problem of the nasolabial folds. I went to JECT in New York City for the procedure, and while I had a great experience there and highly recommend the place generally, the treatment did not directly address my biggest woe. In my consultation appointment, I told the injector I wanted to “start small and subtle” and was most concerned with lifting the lower half of my face. In retrospect, I should have asked for filler injected directly into my nasolabial folds, but I didn’t have the experience or vocabulary around injections at the time to realize that was an option. Instead, I went with the injector’s recommendation, which was to start with “just a little in the cheek and chin” which could “help lift” the appearance of the folds, and then follow up with lips and smile lines. I appreciated the frank yet gentle appraisal of my face and how its proportions could be improved, but unfortunately “just a little” filler costs over $1,000 and I never got to follow up with lips and all the rest because the way I budget my finances is completely delusional. I think, had I had the funds to follow up with the rest of the procedures, I would have been pretty happy with the results. I always figured I’d go back and get all this work done once I could afford it, but three years later, I feel so differently (and still can’t exactly afford it).
I could take out a little chunk of my savings to get the nasolabial folds filled, and halfway deplete my savings (most of which is actually supposed to go towards taxes) to get lip fillers on top of that. But now, I have all these other little worries and fixations that distract me from my lifelong goal of beauty, like health. Some part of me actually wants to be well, and it feels at odds with the rest of me, which wants only to be beautiful.
When I first got botox, I felt euphoric and couldn’t stop singing its praises. I really did feel like I’d just sipped from the fountain of youth. It was like that stage of a 12-step program where you’re on a pink cloud of sobriety and clarity, and all you want to do is evangelize about the newfound enlightenment that has saved your life—even though you haven’t yet finished all the steps and don’t really know what you’re talking about. Botox was right for me at 32, but at 34 I’m more scared of it than I am convinced it will help me. Sadly, panic disorder and OCD have completely thrown off my highest priority (being hot at all costs). I find myself afraid to put the same chemicals in my body as I did two years ago, and wary of anything that could possibly go wrong. I’m not afraid that injections will kill me, but I am afraid I will be karmically punished for being vain by incurring nerve damage, a droopy eye, or botched lips. This is perfectly in line with what my panic is actually triggered by: I’m not afraid of dying as much as I’m afraid of losing control of my body and my consciousness, and of being in pain. None of this occurred to me two years ago when I still felt invincible.
Reading between the lines, one might say panic is a “blessing in a disguise.” And in many ways, sure, it is. I take much better care of my body now and I’m much more cautious, but I really miss not caring, and being in a headspace where such worries simply didn’t occur to me. I feel the same way about being assaulted/harassed on the street—I’m more careful now, but I wish I didn’t have to be. I would prefer if assaults and panic and the subsequent obsessive compulsive behaviors to try to ensure your own health and safety did not happen to me or anyone. If not for this fear of how my body might react to any little thing, I’d probably be getting botoxed into oblivion, and I’m sure I’d be quite content with it.
Another factor that now has me wary of botox is best illustrated by the experience of a very good friend of mine, Margaret. She has so far not received botox treatments herself, but her partner does get botox regularly. There was a week recently where communication between them felt stilted and disconnected, and eventually they realized that their dynamic had radically shifted since her partner’s botox kicked in. As it turns out, according to several studies cited by Psychology Today, botox can actually inhibit feelings of empathy, as mirroring each other’s expressions is integral to making connections with someone:
Lastly, consideration should be given to the phenomenon of embodiment. The embodiment theory states that the processing of emotional information, such as facial expressions, includes reproducing the same emotions on one’s own face. For example, when we observe a smile, our faces tend to smile in an automatic and often imperceptible way as we try to make sense of that expression. Therefore, if one or both members of a two-person interaction are dealing with an altered ability to make facial expressions, the non-verbal communication between those two parties will be impacted and understanding one another may be more difficult. (Michael Reilly, MD, and Amir Hakimi, MD)
This makes so much sense and is actually quite obvious, but hadn’t occurred to me before. We’ve all seen overly-botoxed and filled celebrities whose faces have become inscrutable, and vowed never to take it that far—but apparently even just one botox treatment can have emotionally numbing effects, which I never took into consideration. Sadly I am not convinced that simply being aware of this phenomenon is enough to divert the empathy/communication issue. This comes down to the fact that having feelings and expressing them creates wrinkles and we are made to believe that wrinkles and aging are ugly, therefore having feelings = being ugly. Should I choose to feel my feelings and honor them, or should I ignore them so I can feel beautiful and invincible?
I never really cared about my own feelings before, and rarely anyone else’s, but I do now, so with a heavy heart I must admit that while I’m prioritizing mental health and trying to connect with emotions more deeply instead of ignoring them, botox is not for me. I hope this will not always be the case, because I do truly believe botox is a miracle from God and I would like to enjoy it again someday.
To be clear, I’m still vain as hell. I’m just more cautious about it now. Panic has taken alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, birth control, caffeine, and injectables from me, but it will not take my vanity. Here are some topical products I’ve been looking into that promise botox and filler-like effects:
First of all, Biotulin—used by Kate Middleton and Michelle Obama—which claims to tighten and smooth the skin. The active ingredient here also “promises to inhibit muscle contractions around the eyes, reducing fine lines and wrinkles, just like Botox.” (Amanda Montell)
There’s also Peter Thomas Roth’s “temporary face tightener” which I found from reading this Vogue article. Watching the demo of the product, it really does have instant and transformative effects—I almost immediately bought it—but then I read the reviews, many of which complain of a terrible white caste and incompatibility with foundation. Seems like a try-at-your-own-risk. Some reviewers swear that if used in teeny tiny amounts, the more undesirable effects are tolerable.
This Paula’s Choice Pro-Collagen Multi-Peptide Booster, which I will definitely try for its plumping effects.
I see StriVectin products around all the time and have been genuinely curious about them for a while, just because they seem really old school and hardcore, like something my mother would swear by. This Anti-Wrinkle Peptide Plump Line Filling Bounce Serum is similar to the Paula’s Choice product above, but is more expensive. I think I will try Paula’s Choice first, but I’m really intrigued by this one!
Frownies, which are patches you can put on your face to soften wrinkles. Apparently they have been around since 1889? I haven’t tried them, and I feel skeptical because I tried another kind of wrinkle patch off Amazon and the main drawback is that they won’t stay on if you have applied moisturizer, also they aren’t comfortable. Frownies may be better, though. Perhaps I’m misunderstanding the technology, but I believe the way they work is mainly by preventing facial muscles from moving while you wear them. The website also suggests to wear them while you sleep, which doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me because I feel like we probably scowl and frown the most while awake.
Finally this Toska elastine serum for fine lines that Julianne Moore uses, which is actually not terribly cost-prohibitive (compared to some of Toska’s other products listed on the page). Regardless, Julianne Moore’s beauty secrets video for Vogue is required viewing.
May December is also required viewing.